The Dark Side

The truth is… I’m scared. Scared of every single “what if” question that pops into my head. What if I don’t heal right? What if I’m stuck on TPN forever?  What if I never eat again?  What if I die?

When I first heard the word cancer, my brain stopped being present and immediately went into survival mode, which also came with a lot of negative thoughts. For those of you who really know me, you know I’m a positive person, and you’ve told me how inspiring I am.

But I don’t always feel that way. And I didn’t—especially in the beginning. I thought, This is it. This is how I die. Of all things, this is the way? OMG, you’ve got to be kidding me. What a cruel joke, right?

All I could think about were my kids and everything I would miss in their lives. I kept thinking how unfair it was. I was also grateful that it was happening now and not when they were little, because this is already hard, and that would have been doubly hard. I kept thinking, I have so much life left to live. There’s no way it’s now.

I know we never really know how much time we have, but as I’ve learned, there are people who don’t make it—and there are also lots of survivors. That’s where hope comes in.

Why Me?

I went through the why me phase too. How could this happen to me?

I was the one who worked out, had a personal trainer, studied functional health, changed my diet, and shared healthy tips with my family, like -- all the things. It isn’t fair.

The hardest days for me are when I’m vomiting a lot and have diarrhea and can’t make it to the bathroom in time. Those are the days I cry and cry and feel sorry for myself because I’m tired—tired of being sick.

Depending on everyone to do everything for me is also depressing. I can’t drive, so I need rides to all my appointments, my clothes washed, my vomit bags picked up, my room cleaned. These things are frustrating, and I’ve learned to accept them—but I don’t like it. My independence is gone.

The Shift

A shift slowly started to happen, and that shift was gratitude.

As I got further into this process and more educated, I really started to appreciate the help and what I needed. I’ve already talked about my tribe, but my closest tribe is my family and with all of us under one roof. I am so thankful.

You didn’t think I’d end this blog on doom and gloom, did ya? How about an update on the kids?

The Kids

I love the way they show up for me.

Brice (19) pops into my room just to check on me or play my guitar. He just learned Blackbird by the Beatles, just for me. He runs most of my errands—picking up medicine, giving me rides to appointments, and grocery store runs. He’s the only one with a pretty open schedule while waiting for bootcamp. He’s going into the Marines in January 2026 and plans to work in Fire and Rescue. He works out like crazy, and I couldn’t be prouder of the young man he’s become. He’s caring, gentle, and loves—loves—to fish.

Miss Brooke (24), my beautiful senior at UT Dallas (my alma mater!), is majoring in Psychology. She’ll graduate in Spring 2026 and just turned 24 on October 4th. She’s grown into a stunning young woman; kind, gentle, smart, and grounded. Every night she comes into my room to wash her face, sits with me, and we just talk. We hold hands and say goodnight.

She has a lovely new boyfriend, Max, who’s stationed at Ft. Bragg, so she spends time in North Carolina these days.

I am so lucky and so proud.

I can’t imagine any of this is easy for them, but they’re handling it with so much grace. They still see me as Mom and remind me constantly, This is temporary. We’ll get back to your normal.

Reflection

The dark side is real, it’s the part of the journey that doesn’t show up in photos or posts. It’s the fear, the frustration, the tears in the middle of the night. But even in that darkness, light finds a way in.

What I’ve learned is that fear and gratitude can exist side by side. You can be terrified and still thankful. You can break down and still believe. The truth is, being brave isn’t about never being scared, it’s about facing the fear and choosing to keep going anyway.

For now, that’s what I’m doing: choosing hope, choosing life, and choosing gratitude, even on the dark days.

I’ve shared some family pics below and a few funnies — when you fall asleep and Brooke opens up snapchat! Enjoy! Oh, and Cece and Joe turned 2 last month. (the doggies)

Next time, I’ll share more day-to-day updates on my health and the family.

With gratitude for this journey,
KC